Hey there !
Well some of you might know that i have issues with my mental heath , i have depression, and for 2 years in a row i'm on medication but i still have bad times,and times when i want to kill myself. Not because i'm unhappy just because i feel that i can't be loved i guess , and nobody loves me and even if i would do everything for a boy he would play with my heart just how it happened this Monday . I was at a party because i was volunteering for a week and at the end of the week we had a party and my boy, i mentioned him not long ago in a post, was there and i was like : you know what i'm going to tell him that i love him but surprising he came to me and he told me that he loves me but we can't be together and i said : well okey i i understand you and everything and stuff and then i kissed him and then he kissed me for a long time and then i leaved . I was shattered my heart was in pieces and it's in pieces still , and i'm unhappy and i don't want to live only hope and faith in God keeps me going and the saddest thing is that today was the first day since months maybe years i cut myself and it felt so good and i want more and more and more .
I just don't know what to do ....
Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, i like it rough
Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all ...
Kids are still depressed when you dress them up
And syrup is still syrup in a sippy cup......
Hello !
How are you doin ? How is your life? Are you okey ? Do you have problems ? - just chill , it's not a bad life is just a bad day .
I'm getting ready to go out and i was watching some youtube videos , styling videos and one song came in to my mind Melanie Martinez - Sippy cup I'm so obsessed with her , she has an amazing voice and her lyrics is on point let me tell you .... So i was thinking : Oh what i should wear today and then i was like : Moms from the 90 ' still try to dress they kids up but why ? you should let your kid to express herself and wear the clothes she would want to wear ?! If she wears that it is not your kid or what ? It's her life let her to think about that , about it is okey to wear that or not maybe not today but maybe tomorrow she will realize that it didn't fits her .
You wont be always there ,so if you keep dressing her/ him up she will become depressed its like you lock her / him up in her room because she loves something you don't . Maybe you think that what you say it's okey for her/him but let her/him realize that, let her/him grow up , let her/him be free
Hello my dears !
Today i wanted to talk about a really serious subject , about getting bullied because you have flaws !
Today i visited my grandmother who had her birthday ! God bless her ! and as usual the family was there , and we were talking and we were joking and i said that one day i will be famous and my dear godmother said to me that : if you want to be famous you have to get your teeth fixed ! it was like she said that : you are ugly go kill yourself !!! What if i don't have straight beautiful pearly white teeth ? I;m less than anybody else ? I;m really not worth it ? and it wasn't the last thing .
We were standing on the backyard and we were talking and my grandmother said to my cousin that she is so skinny and she is looking good and my dear godmother asked me that : is it true that you gained weight ? and is was like ohflsdhlfhsdlghlsdhgshgdhl wtf is wrong whit you !!! Nobody should ever tell a girl that she is fat or she has flaws never !!!!
I felt so bad because i'm trying so hard to lose weight just to be accepted just so everybody should shut the hell up !!! I don't know what is wrong with the people if you have flaws you are not good anymore you are worthless ...this is how i felt and this is how i still feel ! Why i deserve to hear such thing , why just can somebody look me in the eye and tell me that I'm beautiful just the way I'm !! Every body is beautiful every body is good enough !!!! every body is beautiful with her perfect imperfection !!!! Never let anybody tell you that you don't worth it never !!!!
I don't know why but every time that i finally accept myself the way i am , when i start to love my flaws somebody comes and breaks me down ...it's like crawling in the dirt you get used to it but you can't was away the dirt if you fall down again and again !!!
Hello babies !
I was listening to the new song of Melanie Martinez - Sippy Cup and i was touched by some of the lyrics where i found myself a lot ! : Pill diet, pill diet, if they give you a new pill then you will buy itIf they say to kill yourself, then you will try itAll the makeup in the world, won't make you less insecure !! .
I think that these words are very real ! I mean almost every girl is getting depressed because she thinks that she is not enough or that she is less than anybody else , but not only girls , boys as well . I 'm struggling from depression sadly , but i'm so much better , this mental illness changed my hole life for better and i tell you why !
I was struggling from depression from a very young age i think that maybe i was like 14-15 when i started to have bad days and i felt very sad for no reasons thank when i was like 16-17 things got worse and in 2013 around Christmas time i wanted to end all just as before , and yes i was self-harming myself for a long period of time and honestly i enjoyed . It was a way to relies myself it was a way to be free , and when things get worse i just wanted so badly to end all and i wast afraid of doing it but luckily i had my mother who was there every single night and help me to get sleep , i don't wanted to wake up all i wanted was to DIE !
After Christmas and New Year passed i went to the doctor and i got medicine and i got better and better i felt hope again because before that i was hopeless like nothing can save me and i was praying every single night to get better !
But what changed my life it was when i almost died at my 18 birthday party ! I was drinking and i took the pills before that i was not careful enough because i didn't think that taking the pills and drinking can cause so much trouble . I started to feel weak , powerless and i run down the stairs and that's where all began . I started to shake and all i can said it was that there is something bad and i will die that's when my mom came to me she didn't know what to do and then suddenly i started to feel like i'm dying i collapse on the floor my step father picked me up and put me on the bed and then it was like i breathe out my soul everything ended and i woke up like from a nightmare everything was fine again and that's when i understood what life means and how precious is and you have to live because you don't know how much time you have !!!
This is when i started living .... i still have times when i wanna kill myself , and times when i try but now i know that you have to live and be thankful for what you have because you have no idea when it might end !
